it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
