I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
