i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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