If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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