I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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