Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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