started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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