I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
