Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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