Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you would pick up someone in the library
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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