Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
There are leaves in my underwear?
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