Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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