My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now