I wish my penis had an off switch
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.