My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
