I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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