My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
They took my balls.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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