Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
