Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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