you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
