Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
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I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
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I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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