I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
