I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
