ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
