I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
