based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
