I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
