I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
