im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
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I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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