It's like a parade of train wrecks.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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