can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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