Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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