plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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