dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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