He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
