you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
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I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
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why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I touched a dick in church today
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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