i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I can't trust your balls anymore.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
