i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
