I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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