I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
