Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
These tits shall not be calmed
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
