It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
