Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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