How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
