you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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