I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
