Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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