There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
