sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
