I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
