Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
