Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
