We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
