Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
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If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
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Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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