you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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