true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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