i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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